And putting away the boobs. As you can see... this post is not for everyone. But since I use this blog as a way to journal things, I am going to write down a few feelings about breastfeeding here, now that I am done. If you don't want to hear it... don't read it!!!!
Last Sunday was the last time I used the pump or nursed James. It was a strange realization. Something I knew was coming soon, since my plan was to stop breastfeeding when James was 10 months old. (it took me about 3 weeks after the 10 month mark to actually stop). Breastfeeding is one of those things that people neglect to tell you is hard. One of the hardest things about having your first baby in my opinion. Maybe because we think it is going to be something that comes naturally to both mama and baby. But it does not always work out that way. After the breastfeeding class I took before James was born, I knew it was going to be a challenge. I actually had a break down after that class. The thought of feeding a baby every 2 hours (from start to start so really you are feeding then about every hour!) in the first months was overwhelming. I have always loved being busy and running from this event to that. I knew having a child was going to change that, but when you are breastfeeding, your freedom is really stripped! I freaked out on the way home, but got over it by the time James was born. I wanted to breastfeed feed because I knew it was the best thing I could do for James nutritionally and it would be good for me as well (it is also pretty much free!). Although now, after seeing so many people struggle with it, I want to say it is more than OK to give your babies formula. I was fortunate to not have to... no one should feel like they are any less of a mom for supplementing. That being said... I got lucky. James latched right on and after a few tweaks... we got the breastfeeding down pretty easily. I enjoyed breastfeeding and had a lot of milk. Sure there were times when it wasn't convenient like in the middle of lunch at Cheesecake Factory or not being engorged when I tried to go out for a few hours. But once James was on a 3 hour schedule things got better. I did not love to pump. I feel like pumping hurts more than nursing, but I had to do it. I have been doing a combo of pumping and nursing since James was 3 weeks old. Since I knew I was going to be going back to work and I also wanted the freedom of being able to leave James with a bottle. I was lucky though to go all 10 months with only 2 bouts of thrush and no other infections. Even though Thrush is not fun, there are worse things that can happen. So here I am... all done. It is liberating, yet I miss it a little. It is awesome to know that you provide all the nourishment your baby needs with your own body! It is crazy. You nourish them and make it possible for them to grow while they are inside your belly and then the second you come out you continue to do so. It is a gift and a huge responsibility. I will miss that bond you feel while you cuddle up your little one to nurse. I will not miss what happens though after about 4 month when they begin to get distracted by every little thing in the room and you have to use all sorts of tactics to keep them focused on eating. I know I tried some strange positions and nursing in a dark room is no fun. I am glad I don't have to lug my pump to work or pump in the morning before I leave (those extra 20 minutes of sleep are precious to me!). Washing all the pumping pieces and bottles is no fun, although I am still washing bottles now since he will be drinking my stored breast milk for the rest of the year.
So what I am saying is breast feeding is hard and definitely a sacrifice. I am grateful I was able to do it for this long and that we never had to buy formula (Haws is the most thankful for that). I think what makes me the most sad about no longer breast feeding is the realization that my baby is growing up. He will be a year old at the end of June and that makes me sad. I know there are so many fun things ahead, but sometimes I wish I could freeze time and snuggle with my baby forever.
